After the Loss of A Loved One:A Guide to Legal and Emotional Concerns

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Section I: During the First Critical Days



Be willing to accept help from others, but be wary of “new friends”

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As human beings we are social creatures. The loss of a loved one is a critical time to accept and seek out help from trusted family, friends, spiritual leaders and professionals. We all need assistance in order to heal and move through difficult times.

Grief is a process and it should not be rushed or ignored. A death can involve feelings of guilt, loss, sadness, powerlessness, anger, gratitude, and ambivalence. Our bodies react both physically and emotionally immediately following a significant loss. As a result, we are very vulnerable emotionally and physically at this time. In fact, some of us have a tendency to isolate ourselves and neglect basic requirements like eating and grooming. We may feel very detached from everything as a result of the absence of our loved one.

To honor our loved one and to make responsible decisions, it is important to take care of our basic personal needs like eating and sleeping. You will be called upon to make many decisions in the days ahead and may need extra strength, courage and the help of others to make informed choices and protect your legal and financial interests for the future.

Use trusted legal and financial advisors to take care of short-term, immediate needs and planning for the future. Be wary of "new friends" who have come into your life. While they may be the start of wonderful relationships, be cautious if they offer to take care of financial matters, encourage the purchase of costly items or services, or seem overly interested in your inheritance. Be especially skeptical about any businesses that contact you.

The Legal Hotline for Michigan Seniors has experienced attorneys available to offer free legal advice over the telephone if you don’t have a lawyer or feel uncomfortable with this transition.

The initial 2-4 days following the death of a loved one are the most critical. Some tips to help you through this time are:

  • Surround yourself with people you love and trust. Routinely, survivors report that spending time with family and or friends can be the most helpful coping strategy for people experiencing the loss of a loved one. Social contact is helpful during this time because it allows you to participate in conversations about your loss rather than suppress your feelings. Talk about your deceased loved one and memories associated with the history of this person.
  • Involve your spiritual community and advisor if you have one. Religious leaders are highly trained and regularly assist with rituals and support during the loss of a loved one.
  • Don’t forget trusted psychological professionals. If the deceased was involved with a hospice program, you can take advantage of bereavement services up to 13 months after the death of that person. The hospice social worker or the hospice chaplain can visit your home to support you through the grieving process. Professionals are especially useful in facilitating the grief process because you might be having feelings that you do not feel comfortable sharing with your family or friends.

For instance, if your relationship with your loved one included domestic violence or substance abuse, you might feel glad about the death and yet you might feel uncomfortable verbalizing your feelings. Disclosing such feelings to a professional will allow you to begin to heal from your loss while regaining control of your life.



Be aware of how you communicate

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People do not have to say words in order to communicate an attitude, emotion, or mood. Experts suggest that people may adjust their behavior in response to the cues they receive from others. Take some time to reflect on your demeanor as you go through this emotional time.

Use verbal and non-verbal cues to let people know what you want and need. For instance, your appearance, body language, demeanor and attire may make the difference in receiving or not receiving support from others. People will be drawn to you and give you support when you appear to be open to hugs, hand shakes, and conversation. Reluctant eye contact, folded arms, or hostile language suggest that you are not open to support during this critical time and such behavior may distance people from you. Express your needs or desires clearly whenever possible. In most situations, those around you will appreciate honesty.



Choose the memorial that's right for you

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Making arrangements for a remembrance or mourning ritual or ceremony may be important for you and your family. Here are some tips for effectively and smoothly honoring your loved one that will help avoid some financial or legal problems. If advance plans were made, ask for help in implementing them. The time you spend with family and friends in planning or implementing the event can be as meaningful as the memorial.

Use a reputable funeral home. The price of funeral services varies substantially. Many people use a funeral home that family members have used in the past. It is advisable to get estimates before buying or agreeing to services.

Funeral providers are required by law to give you accurate, up-to-date pricing information. They are also required to provide you with a free copy of price lists when you visit the funeral home. Funeral homes, but not cemeteries, are required to give you prices over the phone.

Don’t be pressured into buying items or services you don’t want or need if it is uncomfortable or unaffordable. Take a friend with you to say “no thanks,” if you are unable to do it yourself.

Cost is an important factor in making a decision. It is not undignified to look at a variety of services and funeral homes. Price shopping or getting estimates and information is a great way for friends and family to help. Ask friends and neighbors which funeral home they have used and roughly how much it cost. You don’t want the passing of a loved one to be marred by feeling that you paid too much.

Funerals, wakes, and memorial services are symbolic of the continuity of life because the ceremony honors the deceased and affirms that the values, the spirit, and the memories of the deceased will continue through the memories of the survivors. Moreover, such gatherings connect you to others feeling of loss and give everyone the chance to share love and support.

The staff at funeral homes or clergy are excellent resources to assist in planning an event to mark the passing of a loved one. If it would be meaningful to you, involve religious or spiritual advisers in your plans.

If you were involved with a hospice program, the hospice chaplain or bereavement coordinator might be able to assist you to make arrangements for such rituals. For more information on the hospice program, scroll to the bottom of the page.

There’s a growing interest in a return to the historic practice of family-directed funerals that do not involve using a funeral home. Some families find this participation to be very meaningful, and the practice can also be much less expensive. Preplanning is essential if you make this choice. You may call the nonprofit Funeral Consumers Alliance for more information at 1 (800) 765-0107, or visit their web site.



Take advantage of military honors

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If your loved one served in the military and you choose to highlight the veteran’s service to our country, making final arrangements can be different from civilian funerals. As long as the veteran separated from active duty service in good standing, he or she is entitled to the following military ceremony, honors, or benefits:

  • Playing of music by bugler,
  • Folding and presentation of the American Flag,
  • An honor guard and 21-gun salute,
  • Burial in national cemetery,
  • Burial at sea,
  • Grave Marker,
  • Presidential memorial certificate, and
  • Burial and funeral-expense allowance.

Contact the Department of Veterans Affairs at (800) 827-1000 for information regarding the veterans’ office in your area. You can also find out more information at their website. If you are receiving services from a funeral home, the staff at the funeral home may be able to make these arrangements.